you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
