i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
