Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
