You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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