I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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