I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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