The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
