I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
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So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
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Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.