I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
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the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
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Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.