totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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