did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
