its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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