I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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