I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
