It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
