looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
