please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
