she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
