Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
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At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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