she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
