Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
