You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Are we still banned from the library?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
