i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
