I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize