If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
