I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
