glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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