fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
this just has baby written all over it
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
