Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
