Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
