If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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