Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
