Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize