remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
