i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
and i looked up. we had an audience...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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