Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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