Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
