Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
