Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
