Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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