Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
