I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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