YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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