If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
