why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
