NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
