my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
There's even glitter on my cock...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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