life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
high people should be assigned attendants
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
