Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
