i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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