well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
