Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
