This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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