I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
The Olympian is in my bed
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
