Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
