Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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