Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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