New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
